i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
