Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
