Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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