Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dear god my vagina.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
