hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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