my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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