I think I won the penis lottery.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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