Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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