Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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