one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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