i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
