I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
