so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
