His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
