I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
They have beer where we have blood.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
