You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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