I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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