Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
