After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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