Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
