He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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