....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
