Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
