i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
