I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
