If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
