i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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