Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
