I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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