i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
