Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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