I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
