Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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