Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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