Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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