thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
