thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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