There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
