why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
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It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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