i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
