So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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