Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
