I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
