You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
