last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
