Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
