One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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