Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize