I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
