its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
