After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.