I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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