You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
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she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?