Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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