Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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