I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
