sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
