She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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