When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
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I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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