the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How's work?
Spinning.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
