I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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